Away

I've been in Manitoba since last Thursday. It's been somewhat nice. The weather has been off and on. We've overstayed, because the body shop keeps delaying. Today should be our last day - we are planning to drive into North Dakota tonight.

I was here for the Icelandic Festival. I didn't see much of it, because I spent most of the time at the house we're staying at. They had a couple of days of August Long partying. I met lots of people and it was somewhat fun, but everyone was at least ten years older than me and I felt really awkward and out of place. I drank a little and got drunk once on Friday, but most of the beer was swill and I didn't want to take anyone's hard liquor. I had a lot of down periods because I felt there were a lot of people who didn't want me around. I felt like an imposition. I'm glad I probably won't ever see most of these people again.

The car is nearly done. All we need to do is put a fender, bumper cover, and the hood on it. For the longest time it wouldn't start, but we eventually figured out that when it had been moved the shifter had been disconnected from the transmission and the car was stuck in neutral. It won't start like that, so we put the thing in park and it sang like an angel. Last night we had a weird issue with a filter sensor: the fuel pump wasn't working because the sensor was aggravated. This morning the issue was gone, so I hope it stays gone. I bought an astronomy magazine for the drive, and I hope we can stop at a gas station somewhere where I can load up on energy drinks and junk food.

I eat really terribly. I complain about being fat and then eat chicken fingers and fries. I hate salad. I wish I didn't so I could just eat it all the time. I wish I could cure my sweet tooth too. If I could just lose this last bit of belly fat I might start looking halfway decent. Right now I look terrible. My hair is terrible. I should grow it long again. Everyone else has it long, and I don't think anyone finds my short (chin) hair attractive. I look like a hobo. My boyfriend liked it more when it was longer.

I had a plan to grow my nails out so I could paint them, but it hasn't worked out. I just can't stop running my teeth along them and they get chipped and then I just make it worse by nibbling. I should get the nail strengthener stuff because it probably tastes terrible. Then maybe I could have okay nails.

I read this article in the Globe and Mail today about a parent who went to Australia after their kid tried to kill themself. It reminded me of myself. I still wish no one had called the paramedics. I wish my mom hadn't come down and I wish the ER had just let me go. I don't understand why everyone else thinks it's their business. I think people should have a right to do what they want with themselves, whether that's smoking, walking into an asbestos mine, or jumping off a building. If it's okay to lock people up for slitting their wrists it should be legal to lock people up for taking a drag: both roads lead to Rome, one just takes longer. I'm tired of people trying to make decisions for me, whether it's about my medications, whether I can get rid of a useless clump of cells (it's not a potential life, it's a tumor), or whether I can take the reins and drive the pale horse.

Outbound

I had my psychiatry appointment rescheduled. It was okay. I got checked out and sent on my way. I have enough meds to keep me grinding on. I'm now looking for another therapist, and so far it's a target-poor environment. The person I was originally sent to has to have surgery, so now I'm waiting for callbacks from a bunch of randoms. One of them is female. I don't know how I feel about having a female therapist. I hope if I do end up with one she doesn't try to pull the "oooh we're both women we can talk about anything" spiel.

I am going to Manitoba to work on the car tomorrow. I am excited. I want to get away from home. I might actually be able to motivate myself. Today I spent most of the day trying to go back to sleep. I played a lot of FreeCell too. I'm very lazy. I want to do some C++ coding by I just can't ass myself to do it. I'm doing Project Euler right now, which I suck at. I also have an intro-to-games-programming book I'd like to work through. And I want to learn SQL and Scheme. I have too much to do and no energy to do it.

I have a lot of physics I need to do too. I need to review some linear algebra and especially change of basis for quantum. I also need to go over some calculus and maybe learn some vector goodness in preparation for E&M. I really hope I can get okay marks this coming term. I hate getting anything lower than an 80 but it happens a lot because I'm a bad student. I wish I didn't suck at my chosen major so much.

Jubilation

I had my termination appointment today. It was very short. I went in, told the guy that I wanted to see someone else, and he gave me a name and phone number. It reminded me of people hitting their friends up for hookers and drug dealers. I'm glad to have that done with. My mom went in after me and spent more time inside with the psychologist than I did.

The new person is supposedly much more soft-spoken and non-confrontational. We shall see. I almost feel like being adolescent and purposely difficult just to rile him. It's Internet trolling in real life. I don't think I really want to see a therapist at all but my parents are forcing me to go. I will end up back in hospital if I start skipping appointments or cancelling so I will just have to bite the bullet for 6 more weeks. I don't want to show this new person my old paper diaries. I think I will keep them to myself and write everything again. I started hushing myself for certain things because I knew they would arouse suspicions. I had many thoughts that were left unwritten.

Tomorrow I have a psychiatry appointment. Hopefully it will be quick. After that I should have more than a week free. My dad and I are going to Manitoba to finish restoring a car. We will drive back afterwards. I am looking forward to doing it, both for the car and for the chance to get away from my mom and little brother. I will miss my dog, though.

Ugliness

I feel ugly.

I know this is the typical whine of the teenaged and female, but I feel it's definitely true in my case. Part of my problem is I cannot do anything to fix it. I am utterly terrible at doing my makeup or my hair, and I have no fashion sense whatsoever. I don't think there's one specific spot that just ruins everything for me, but a whole combination of subtle and not so subtle things. I just don't think I'm very attractive at all. This has been pretty much confirmed for my by the men of the world (I'm straight). I never get any attention from men. I don't get hit on, flirted with, or even catcalled. I always think people are laughing at how I'm dressed or how I look. I'm very self-centred.

I don't think there's anything I can really do to fix myself either. I can't afford plastic surgery (and it's obvious when someone's had "work done"). I can't just make myself taller. I'm already on birth control, so bigger boobs are not happening. I can't do anything to fix my terrible figure.

Boredom

The last few days have been full of boredom. I have been doing nothing but FreeCell and torrenting. I'm a very boring person, which was already obvious because I have a blog. I went for a hike yesterday with my dog, mom, and brother. It was hot and humid. My dog had a lot of fun, and it was nice to be able to see her run around and get soaked in streams. I need to go running today as well.

I run every other day. I usually go 2 or 3 miles. Tonight I want to try for four miles. I usually run downstairs on my treadmill. It's nice to be able to see how far I've gone, how many calories I've burned, and how long I have to keep going. I have an Elle and a Popular Mechanics to read tonight, too. I have terrible form when running and I always want to quit before I've gone far enough. I hate how sweaty and tired I get. I feel so disgusting. I like running because I can get rid of all the fat I have from eating bad food. I have actually lost some fat from the running. I'm still the same weight because muscle is denser than fat, but most of the fat that was on my thighs has been replaced by muscle. I still have belly fat, though.

The reason I usually stop running is my legs hurt. I'm usually not winded at all, but my legs or shoulders hurt and I get stitches. I hate being so weak. I wish I could go farther. 3 miles is only 5 kilometres.

I have my termination meeting tomorrow. I'm apprehensive.

Therapeutic

I had my check-in appointment with the psychologist this morning. My mother went with me. I spent a while alone with him, and he did his "read the diary, ask me questions" routine. I didn't say anything. He's decided that unless I "step up to the plate" and talk to him there's no more point in our seeing each other, so Monday will be my termination appointment. I'm pleased. The longer I've spent seeing this psychologist the more I've disliked him. He could have saved us both two months of time by just giving me a referral to someone else like he said I would when I was discharged, but he chose to keep seeing me for some reason.

I wish I didn't have to see anyone at all. I don't want to go to therapy. I think it will be useless and I don't think I really need any help from anyone. It's not that I think I don't "deserve" "help", it's that I don't think I really have a problem to be solved. My parents are insisting that I see another therapist, though. Maybe I'll get recommendations at my termination appointment, because right now I have no idea who exactly I'm supposed to see. I only have 5-6 weeks with this person anyway, because I'd swear on the Principia Mathematica that I'm going back to university this fall. There's a Counselling Services there, but I don't know if I'll actually go and see anyone. I'm pretty sure there's no way for anyone back in Ottawa to find out if I am seeing a therapist unless they have a court order.

I also started my step down of the Celexa today. My dad and I have a car rebuilding project in Manitoba we'd like to work on next week, so I need to reschedule my psychiatry appointment. There's all this concern from my mom that I won't be safe, but I'll be safer there than here. I'll have people around me all the time.

It's been very rainy today, so I haven't done much. Mostly, I've played with my dog, watched movies, and played Assassin's Creed. I have a pretty good desktop, and I like to play videogames even though I suck at them. There's nothing that's come out recently that I'm very interested in, though. I spend most of my time these days on the computer or reading. I never go out and I don't have any friends in my city. The only physical activity I get is running on our treadmill every other day.

Medicationing Update

I had my meeting with my substitute psychiatrist today. It was passable. She had planned to switch me onto Zoloft. My mom was in the meeting with me, and we had discussed the different classes of drugs used to treat depression (ie MAOIs, tricyclics, SSRIs, SNRIs, and atypical antipsychotics like Seroquel for people who're bipolar). My mom thought we should ask if I could go on a SNRI because I also have problems with social anxiety, and they've been shown to be helpful with anxiety. We had a long discussion with my psychiatrist, and she's decided to start me on Effexor (at 37.5mg/day). I have to taper down the Celexa and taper up the Effexor now. Hopefully the Effexor will be at least marginally useful. If it does help, it should keep me out of the Oubliette, which I really want. I hate having to play Russian Roulette with all the medications. At least she promised not to put me on Paxil. I still have my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow to "check in", and I've managed to wrangle it such that both my parents will be there. They both want to keep me out of hospital too, and I want to get my dad more involved because so far it's only been my mom going to my appointments with me.

It was awkward in the appointment I had today because my mom insists on saying all these silly things. She gave everyone a big speech about how you need CBT and medication to treat depressoin, which everyone already knew. She kept complimenting me on my supposed medical knowledge. I actually know very little about medicine. I have a collection of a few facts, especially about anatomy and weird diseases, but I don't have any formal training or education. She keep asking me for medical advice and I keep telling her to see a real doctor because no one should take advice from me.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to go out to a park with my dog, little brother, and Dad. I haven't been outside in a while and my brother never gets out. Like me, he's always on the computer. Hopefully my dog will enjoy herself too. She's very friendly and full of energy and she loves to go out and smell new things.